My perpetrator would drive me to utter distress. He would shout, scream, beat and threaten to harm. When he would calm down he would demand that I didn’t tell anyone.
Of course as soon as I was safe the first thing I did was tell my little sister. He would be angry that I was making her aware of what he was doing. He would even go so far as tell me it is forbidden for me to tell.
He firmly believed that because he was aware of other men behaving badly in our community it made his behaviour normal.
My point to him was I have to speak to someone about what you are doing so if you don’t want someone else knowing your violence stop doing it.
He believes that because other men in the community get away with behaviours being hidden he should too.
He now views himself as a victim as his behaviour is no longer being tolerated by me. He said that he did some bad things but he is not a bad man.
Victims of abuse should never suffer in silence. Talking to a confident helps to process the actual abuse. Without communicating the abuse I may have even thought the abuse was caused by me.
Talking to my sister enabled me to understand the tactics my perpetrator was using against me.
I truly believed that he was so insane that he would definitely kill me and my loved ones in blind rage.
He was so good at behaving like he had no control over his anger. I spent 22 years convinced that he did not have a off switch.
Now it has been about eight months since I made my brave phone call to the police and he has managed to find his off switch and control his anger.
This is because he has consequences for his behaviour. He terrified the life out of me because he wanted to. Pure and simple.
He now is trying to persuade me to believe he has changed. However I know the truth, if he was ever trusted again he would make sure I would never get to make a call to the police.
I will never trust him. I don’t love him. I never got the chance to love him as he was violent so early in the relationship. I don’t hate him either. I just want him to leave me alone.