Why would he make a choice to abuse?

My perpetrator clearly made a choice to behave the way he did. I often feeling at breaking point asked myself why me? When I was his victim I thought it had something to do with me. Having researched why perpetrators abuse is easy for me to understand. He chose to abuse us all because he benefitted in numerous ways.

  • He gained enormous satisfaction from the power and control he had over me and our children.
  • He always got his own way, I was never consulted just told my mum is coming or his family are to visit and I would have to pay for them.
  • He had someone to take out any frustrations he had on, if he had a bad day he took it out on all of us.
  • He had a personal slave, I would have to do everything without help and support. I would have to serve him like he was the king of the castle.
  • He was the priority, our needs or wants never mattered.
  • He did not have to share any of his money  with us so benefitted economically. My family had to intervene support us economically.
  • He had the religious community’s respect for being a good father and husband, sadly he was far from that.
  • He was respected by his family as they were happy that he had the upper hand and controlled his family with violence. They did not want him to act like a good Muslim husband. They wanted him to practice the ignorance, culture and tradition he had been raised with, which is against the teachings of Islam.
  • He denied, minimised and blamed others to himself and me about the reality of his behaviour. I had to listen to him in silence as speaking up and calling him out on his lied was to dangerous.
  • He did it because he could. I did not allow him to. Nevertheless he did it because he could.
  • He continued to abuse me for 22 years because he wanted to. It hurts me to understand that someone married me with the sole purpose to use and abuse me. He had three children and did not change his intention. He enjoyed dominating and oppressing us. No matter how sick I became he just dominated me and the children more. He did it because he could. He did it to me and our children because I was too afraid of him killing me to stop him. I only finally got help as I believed he would kill us in our home anyway. The danger of staying was just as scary as the threats to kill us if I imprisoned him.

Therefore he did not wish to change his behaviour because it benefitted him in this world. He was not acting as a believing Muslim. Every  Muslim should think for the hereafter, yet as he acted as if Allah (SWT) was not aware of his behaviour.

These Ahadiths and Quranic verses are about reward which the oppressed will get and the punishment which oppressors will get.

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas (R.A):
The Prophet (pbuh) sent Mu’adh to Yemen and said, “Be afraid, from the curse of the oppressed as there is no screen between his invocation and Allah.” Volume 3, Book 43, Number 628: Sahih Bukhari.

Narrated Abu Huraira (R.A):
Allah’s Apostle (pbuh) said, “Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him.”Volume 3, Book 43, Number 629: Sahih Bukhari.

We will reserve the houses of the hereafter exclusively for those who do not seek self-glory in this life and do not cause oppression and corruption to spread. The final outcome belongs to those who fear (Allah). [028:083: Al Quran]

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