To understand how to regain respect in ones home, you have to reflect on when respect was lost. This is a painful process of realization that you have been treated without respect for all of the abuse period. My three adult children have grown up with a mother who seemed so strong, very rarely cried no matter how she was treated and even gained a 1st Class Honours degree Alhamdulillah .
Yet was the weakest in terms of respect in my own home. Outside of the home, I was a governor of my child’s primary school, people respected me Alhamdulillah , yet in my home I was sworn at threatened and abused regularly and hit.
I always believed that my children respected me. However in my time being free from abuse I am struggling to manage them. I have realised that they all see me as someone who can be told how to feel, think, behave, what I should want and they all want me to deal with their siblings issues but not their issues. They express that they want me not to tire myself with any hobbies like decorating or gardening. I should just maintain the home as it is and meet all there individual wants. My money should be spent on what that child needs as opposed to my little trivial wants.
I asked myself how could I have raised such selfish children who only care for themselves, how could that have happened? I spent all there lives protecting them from him and compensating for them having such a oppressive aggressive parent I put myself in the firing line to save them that when they grew up hearing him swearing and hitting out they hid in there rooms to stay safe. I never wanted them to help me as I feared he would turn on them if they did but now I realise they grew up seeing me standing up through everything, they believe I should allow their behaviour as I love them and I never loved him. They also perceive me strong enough to take all they throw at me.
It was a painful realisation that in all those 22 years I was nothing within my home. He swore at me hit, spat at, kicked and pushed me, he made me serve him. I could never refuse him or express my feelings. I became so sick with fibromyalgia and PTSD. I became numb to his cruel treatment I just excepted that was how life was and I couldn’t escape due to the very real danger he posed. I never realised that he was leaving me with a legacy of children who I couldn’t cope with. I couldn’t understand why I could not re-establish rules in my home. now I realise that I never had rules, I never had respect, I just survived and over compensated for his behaviour.
Now I have realised the key issue being lack of respect, painful as it is, I have to except that I really was walked on by everyone in my home and I need to step up and install respect for me.
I am doing this in small incremental steps Alhamdulillah, like refusing to clean the bath for my 16year old daughter. I need to stop being a servant and ask them who are all old enough to do things for me. I now have to take small steps to build respect and value for me as a mother who does cry and feel pain.
I know they do love me Alhamdulillah, but sadly, due to the way they seen me treated there is no respect for me. They are good children mashallah and I’m sure that they have it in them to value me Alhamdulillah .
However they have learnt that mummy loves and serves them regardless of how they behave so I need to change that. I need to demand respect and not be afraid of hurting their feelings.
Alhamdulillah, the abuser is gone, I need to stop allowing them to punish me for his behaviour and use his behaviour to justify them treating me badly. I need to show them they can’t behave rudely with me anymore. Sadly the longer they can behave with no respect they will. They do it because they can. I need to claim my respect because I now can Alhamdulillah.