Challenging behaviour after abuse.

This week has been very challenging so far and we are only half way through. One example of the issues that I am facing was, my oldest son age 21 decided to make so much noise at 5am, disturbing both my daughter (who is studying for her GCSE’s) and I.
However I managed to remain calm and deal with him in a effective manner. I put in consequences that I could maintain.
People will think why are you having these issues with a 21 year old. I was never able to put in punishments for negative behaviour as my perpetrator would have known the children did something wrong which put them at risk of violence from him.
Protecting them from him ment I couldn’t deal with issues. They would be good around him as they were aware of his rage.
I’m proud Alhamdulillah that I am starting to make some ground with my children. I reassure them that I love them so much but anti social behaviour cannot be tolerated.
I hope that we will turn a corner and see the last of that behaviour inshallah .
People think when you get rid of the abuser it all positive sadly the children who saw you being walked over also try to push boundaries as you tolerated so much from someone you didn’t even like so therefore you would tolerate your beloved children’s behaviour.
I have now excepted that I did not make a choice to be a victim. He made a choice to be a abuser. I have to stop feeling guilty for staying it was not a choice. I had no freedom to leave him.
Standing up to my children’s behaviour has to be done for them just as much as me inshallah.

One year on.

Today is one year since I gained my freedom Alhamdulillah. I am transforming my house from the prison to my home.

I started in the kitchen as most of the abuse occurred there. I stripped the wallpaper and painted the walls and ceilings pure white. I then painted my cupboards white. I introduced some grey on the top cupboard doors. I lay laminate flooring on the floor. My kitchen was now mine.

I found a wonderful app called nextdoor where I have bought or even for free completely transformed my living room with completely different furniture. Not one piece of furniture remains. I want to strip the walls and paint it inshallah I will.

I have also got none of the original furniture in the bedroom as that was also a traumatic place for me. I have painted the furniture in a very light grey. I need to also strip the walls inshallah. I have changed the entrance area and my hallway is painted white. I am now building a summer house in the garden to have extra space for my children to relax.

I have achieved so much in twelve months mashallah. The time has went so quickly unlike the years before.

I am in the middle of decorating and my house is full of wood for the summer house. Yet I am so happy inshallah I can complete all my goals for my home.

I have enjoyed the past year being free to be me. I am still finding out who I am and what I want. Claiming my home back for me has been my first actions as I had no attachment to it. I now love my home Alhamdulillah.

What I need to change about me to meet Mr Right.

This week I started thinking about moving on in my life. I considered one day finding my forever partner ( which is a positive thought for me).

You never know there might be a Mr right as I have picked Mr wrong twice now.
Then I reflected on how my home is running right now. Well my three adorable children whom I love so much, don’t help in the home one little bit.

I feel so guilty for putting up with him that I have always pampered them.
I usually wake up to a kitchen full of dishes, no glasses not even a cup for my coffee and I have to search the rooms for glasses and cups. I had muddled through continuing to pamper them.
However how will my lovely oldest son find a wife when he has never cooked or cleaned for himself?

He is 21 and would love a wife. My second son yasin has a wife who is also pampered by me. What am I teaching them while pandering to them?

I never intended to raise three children to be so unhelpful yet that is exactly what I have done. Hubby treated me like a servant and refused them to even make a sandwich in case they made a mess, as I was to keep everything spotless.

That is how it happened, we lived like that for 22 year’s but we don’t have to now. Yet it’s nearly a year since I stopped being a victim and I am still serving everyone.

So before I can even think about moving on I need to teach my beautiful grown children who are 16, 19 and 21 to not see me as a servant and clean up after themselves. I need to finish my decorating as I have started in every room in my home and not finished anything.

I need to treat me with care and value myself as right now I am putting everyone before me as that was normal for me.

If I don’t start with these issues then how can I move forward?

I am afraid to think of marrying again yet at the tender age of 40+ am I to live without ever feeling love ? I would love to meet Mr right. Yet I am scared of the likelihood of him being Mr wrong again.

My two previous husbands were definitely wrong so you can understand I don’t trust my ability to choose the right one.

First things first I need to value myself before even thinking of marrying again. I have started asking them to wash their plates so that is my positive start this week. Inshallah I will continue with small steps to teach them.

Islam gave me rights, sadly I wasn’t free to exercise them.

Islam gives women so many rights Alhamdulillah. Sadly many times a strong beautiful vibrant women marries and becomes a shell of her former self. If they have married a husband who ignores the rights of his wife then it makes no difference how many rights she has as she will not get to exercise them.

I chose to embrace Islam of my own free will. I sadly married cultural men on both occasions who did not want to behave as good Muslim husbands and allow me to exercise my rights.

Islam is a beautiful religion, sadly cultural Muslim men who want their wife’s to give them all the rights laid down and themselves refuse to give their wife’s any of their Islamic rights are ignorant.

Sometimes the he tears fill up inside me my throat hurts, chest tightens and I can’t stop crying. Why have I had this life. Why was I not born into a kind loving home? Why was I never loved? Why was I born into poverty and abused? Why when I embraced Islam did I have two husband who used and abused me?

I was abused in every way possible as a child. My mum was mentality ill and unable to be loving or protect me and my siblings from my evil paedophile father.

I then married my first husband who only married me to have a passport and economic benefits. He wanted to use me for time. I was unaware of his intentions. I divorced him as he didn’t want me to be Muslim. He wanted to use me for time and in the community he would have been looked down upon if I was Muslim. He felt it would be ok to use a non Muslim. Clearly it is not ok to use anyone.

How was I unlucky enough to have my horrendous childhood then to marry a user? Why me, why then was I to go on to be abused by the next husband.

I went on to marry another abuser this time I had no doubt that I was being abused. Why me I asked. Now after 22 years it is clear that the childhood I had made me have very low expectations of a partner. The violence and sexual abuse in childhood left me not loving myself so I didn’t expect real love from anyone else. I also had never felt love from my parents leaving me exposed and vulnerable.

When the second husband was violent so early in the relationship I out of shame stayed and out of fear continue to stay. I was to familiar with fear as I knew fear well. I even felt strong as I thought I was handling the fear. I wasn’t letting him get to me.

Little did I know that the fear was already controlling me. I was not in control of the violence. Just because I told myself I wasn’t afraid didn’t mean I wasn’t.

My childhood prepared me for the abuse that I endured. I am not saying that I am not strong as clearly I survived so much so I must be strong. However telling myself that he couldn’t get to me just lead me to endure much more than I could bear.

Islam did not abuse me my husband did that. Islam did not oppress me my husband did that. Muslim women who blame other women for not knowing their Islamic rights for abuse suffered need to think about victim blaming. If the husband would respect a woman’s rights in Islam he wouldn’t need to be told what they were by his wife. If a man wants to abuse knowing your rights wouldn’t stop him.

I informed my husband of my rights on many occasions and even bought him books as he refused to provide even the money to pay for his living costs let alone me or our children. He would become violent and aggressive and even use weapons to intimidate me.

Even when you are free from the abuser the damage years of abuse leaves it’s scars. Memories of violence.

Alhamdulillah I am decorating my home making it look different from the prison it became. Moving forward step by step. May Allah protect us all.

Ameen

NEXTDOOR helped me to make my house my own

I have been using a app called nextdoor and have been able to transform my home. The app is wonderful people give away items for free. I have been able to get a beautiful sofa and draws and have also bought items at a much lower cost.

I have upcycled furniture from the app and eBay. My home is a bit like a building site but it’s transforming before my eyes.

It’s nearly a year since I stopped being a victim and have taken back control from the monster.

My home is not resembling the torture chamber that he made it for us. Our home is happy and Free.