Claiming my respect, because now I can.

To understand how to regain respect in ones home, you have to reflect on when respect was lost. This is a painful process of realization that you have been treated without respect for all of the abuse period. My three adult children have grown up with a mother who seemed so strong, very rarely cried no matter how she was treated and even gained a 1st Class Honours degree Alhamdulillah .

Yet was the weakest in terms of respect in my own home. Outside of the home, I was a governor of my child’s primary school, people respected me Alhamdulillah , yet in my home I was sworn at threatened and abused regularly and hit.

I always believed that my children respected me. However in my time being free from abuse I am struggling to manage them. I have realised that they all see me as someone who can be told how to feel, think, behave, what I should want and they all want me to deal with their siblings issues but not their issues. They express that they want me not to tire myself with any hobbies like decorating or gardening. I should just maintain the home as it is and meet all there individual wants. My money should be spent on what that child needs as opposed to my little trivial wants.

I asked myself how could I have raised such selfish children who only care for themselves, how could that have happened? I spent all there lives protecting them from him and compensating for them having such a oppressive aggressive parent I put myself in the firing line to save them that when they grew up hearing him swearing and hitting out they hid in there rooms to stay safe. I never wanted them to help me as I feared he would turn on them if they did but now I realise they grew up seeing me standing up through everything, they believe I should allow their behaviour as I love them and I never loved him. They also perceive me strong enough to take all they throw at me.

It was a painful realisation that in all those 22 years I was nothing within my home. He swore at me hit, spat at, kicked and pushed me, he made me serve him. I could never refuse him or express my feelings. I became so sick with fibromyalgia and PTSD. I became numb to his cruel treatment I just excepted that was how life was and I couldn’t escape due to the very real danger he posed. I never realised that he was leaving me with a legacy of children who I couldn’t cope with. I couldn’t understand why I could not re-establish rules in my home. now I realise that I never had rules, I never had respect, I just survived and over compensated for his behaviour.

Now I have realised the key issue being lack of respect, painful as it is, I have to except that I really was walked on by everyone in my home and I need to step up and install respect for me.

I am doing this in small incremental steps Alhamdulillah, like refusing to clean the bath for my 16year old daughter. I need to stop being a servant and ask them who are all old enough to do things for me. I now have to take small steps to build respect and value for me as a mother who does cry and feel pain.

I know they do love me Alhamdulillah, but sadly, due to the way they seen me treated there is no respect for me. They are good children mashallah and I’m sure that they have it in them to value me Alhamdulillah .

However they have learnt that mummy loves and serves them regardless of how they behave so I need to change that. I need to demand respect and not be afraid of hurting their feelings.

Alhamdulillah, the abuser is gone, I need to stop allowing them to punish me for his behaviour and use his behaviour to justify them treating me badly. I need to show them they can’t behave rudely with me anymore. Sadly the longer they can behave with no respect they will. They do it because they can. I need to claim my respect because I now can Alhamdulillah.

He has finally moved on. Why can he still upset me?

It’s confusingly painful that you can not in your wildest dreams want to ever be with your abuser yet be sad that he has finally found someone to marry him. He gets a happy ever after and I am left with the destruction he has caused to all of us.

My grief is for the love and happiness never given. He told me she has the same name as me is the same age as me but successful and healthier. Alhamdulillah she doesn’t live with fibromyalgia and PTSD and is not terrified at the thought of marriage again because she has not felt fear. She drives and is a teacher all my dreams he denied me. Her children were raised in a happy home with no violence so are happy high achieving young people.

My sadness is she is who I could have been without being abused by him. I’m not jealous of her, I wish them both happiness. I want him to actually love her and treat her with kindness. I make dua that he won’t damaged more innocent people.

However it hurts so much that he oppressively controlled me so when I gained my degree he never allowed me to work or learn to drive as he didn’t agree with female drivers. Yet he sat there boasting about her genius children and her highly paid teaching job. Her lovely car.

It’s very raw right now, I can’t believe his insensitivity and boastful jibes. My children are still standing Alhamdulillah, he oppressively bullied them and me. They were raised witnessing violence and sometimes receiving it. So yes our boys are not successful geniuses they are not at university or have good jobs. Our daughter Alhamdulillah achieved very excellent GCSEs in spite of her childhood.

Our children have survived him Alhamdulillah and are still Muslim mashallah. How he can still cause hurt me when he moves on astounded me.

I always thought he would move on with someone young and pretty and that would hurt. Yet to go on to marry the successful Muslim women you would have been if he didn’t abuse is actually cruel.

Inshallah, I will recover from the 22 years of violence and oppression and be the accomplished Muslim women I can be without him to hold me back. I am determined to be successful as at forty seven, its not to late. I have to remember that he would never give up on us without finding someone else to marry. He will now happily go on and leave us in peace. She lives far away from us at least a few hours by train so he will have to move far away inshallah.

A new healthy me 😀

I have decided to try to become fitter and healthier inshallah. Last week I started swimming at my local pool. I am the world’s worst. procrastinator especially when it comes to exercise.

I have a successfully kept going swimming for the second week in a row Alhamdulillah. There is such a lovely group of women and sister’s who are there. I have made a couple of lovely friends. We are all trying to make positive changes in our lives. Most of the women suffer from fibromyalgia also.

To my surprise on the days I swim, I have more energy than I usually have. I usually enjoy gardening. Making a visible difference is so rewarding mashallah.

It’s beautiful to make my own choices. Freedom is empowering. To choose to go swimming may seem simple to people yet it was not a choice I could have made before freedom Alhamdulillah.

No place like home

Alhamdulillah,time goes by so quickly, I still find myself stunned by my freedom. When you have been controlled for so long, you become stuck in time, self esteem and confidence in short supply. I have just occupied myself with decorating, gardening and fixing things around the house. If I sit down and relax the tears will flow, therefore I keep as busy as possible. I haven’t really processed what we have lived through.

On a positive note, I have mashallah, built a summerhouse, landscaped the garden, decorated the kitchen and changed the furniture around the house. I have achieved so much in eighteen months Alhamdulillah.

However I have unwittingly still been living to his rules as I have mostly remained housebound even though it was now my choice.

During the summer I went on day trips with my youngest child mashallah she was so happy as I could never go with her before, she would go in secret with my sister so she could at least make some memories.

This week I started to go swimming to a lovely women only session. I was so nervous meeting other people is something I avoid even though people don’t notice I have social anxiety as I mask it well. Alhamdulillah,I had nothing to fear the sisters and other women were warm and welcoming.

After not swimming for ever and I never learnt how too swim in the first place I was in so much pain due to my fibromyalgia. I decided that would not stop me and went again on the Thursday and Alhamdulillah the pain was much less so perseverance works.

My daughter gained excellent GCSE results mashallah and she has started her A Levels Alhamdulillah.

The boys are not quite where they want to be but are safe well and happy mashallah we can’t complain. We survived though so much and have come through the other end.

Challenging behaviour after abuse.

This week has been very challenging so far and we are only half way through. One example of the issues that I am facing was, my oldest son age 21 decided to make so much noise at 5am, disturbing both my daughter (who is studying for her GCSE’s) and I.
However I managed to remain calm and deal with him in a effective manner. I put in consequences that I could maintain.
People will think why are you having these issues with a 21 year old. I was never able to put in punishments for negative behaviour as my perpetrator would have known the children did something wrong which put them at risk of violence from him.
Protecting them from him ment I couldn’t deal with issues. They would be good around him as they were aware of his rage.
I’m proud Alhamdulillah that I am starting to make some ground with my children. I reassure them that I love them so much but anti social behaviour cannot be tolerated.
I hope that we will turn a corner and see the last of that behaviour inshallah .
People think when you get rid of the abuser it all positive sadly the children who saw you being walked over also try to push boundaries as you tolerated so much from someone you didn’t even like so therefore you would tolerate your beloved children’s behaviour.
I have now excepted that I did not make a choice to be a victim. He made a choice to be a abuser. I have to stop feeling guilty for staying it was not a choice. I had no freedom to leave him.
Standing up to my children’s behaviour has to be done for them just as much as me inshallah.

One year on.

Today is one year since I gained my freedom Alhamdulillah. I am transforming my house from the prison to my home.

I started in the kitchen as most of the abuse occurred there. I stripped the wallpaper and painted the walls and ceilings pure white. I then painted my cupboards white. I introduced some grey on the top cupboard doors. I lay laminate flooring on the floor. My kitchen was now mine.

I found a wonderful app called nextdoor where I have bought or even for free completely transformed my living room with completely different furniture. Not one piece of furniture remains. I want to strip the walls and paint it inshallah I will.

I have also got none of the original furniture in the bedroom as that was also a traumatic place for me. I have painted the furniture in a very light grey. I need to also strip the walls inshallah. I have changed the entrance area and my hallway is painted white. I am now building a summer house in the garden to have extra space for my children to relax.

I have achieved so much in twelve months mashallah. The time has went so quickly unlike the years before.

I am in the middle of decorating and my house is full of wood for the summer house. Yet I am so happy inshallah I can complete all my goals for my home.

I have enjoyed the past year being free to be me. I am still finding out who I am and what I want. Claiming my home back for me has been my first actions as I had no attachment to it. I now love my home Alhamdulillah.

What I need to change about me to meet Mr Right.

This week I started thinking about moving on in my life. I considered one day finding my forever partner ( which is a positive thought for me).

You never know there might be a Mr right as I have picked Mr wrong twice now.
Then I reflected on how my home is running right now. Well my three adorable children whom I love so much, don’t help in the home one little bit.

I feel so guilty for putting up with him that I have always pampered them.
I usually wake up to a kitchen full of dishes, no glasses not even a cup for my coffee and I have to search the rooms for glasses and cups. I had muddled through continuing to pamper them.
However how will my lovely oldest son find a wife when he has never cooked or cleaned for himself?

He is 21 and would love a wife. My second son yasin has a wife who is also pampered by me. What am I teaching them while pandering to them?

I never intended to raise three children to be so unhelpful yet that is exactly what I have done. Hubby treated me like a servant and refused them to even make a sandwich in case they made a mess, as I was to keep everything spotless.

That is how it happened, we lived like that for 22 year’s but we don’t have to now. Yet it’s nearly a year since I stopped being a victim and I am still serving everyone.

So before I can even think about moving on I need to teach my beautiful grown children who are 16, 19 and 21 to not see me as a servant and clean up after themselves. I need to finish my decorating as I have started in every room in my home and not finished anything.

I need to treat me with care and value myself as right now I am putting everyone before me as that was normal for me.

If I don’t start with these issues then how can I move forward?

I am afraid to think of marrying again yet at the tender age of 40+ am I to live without ever feeling love ? I would love to meet Mr right. Yet I am scared of the likelihood of him being Mr wrong again.

My two previous husbands were definitely wrong so you can understand I don’t trust my ability to choose the right one.

First things first I need to value myself before even thinking of marrying again. I have started asking them to wash their plates so that is my positive start this week. Inshallah I will continue with small steps to teach them.