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The power to break free

We all have the power inside of us to break our chains. Sadly we don’t believe it possible, as the years pass by we become captive.

Our identity is unrecognizable as we accept our position, we lose our strength due to exhaustion fight leaves our body and we focus on just putting one foot in front of the other. We survive and endure our hearts being shattered .

We forget that once upon a time we were strong. We made our own choices and were happy. We go through the motions to maintain a calm environment for our children. Yet the reality is that the environment is far from calm. It’s toxic and they are being suffocated by the abusers poisoning the air with their behaviour. We try our best to compensate for having chosen a abuser for a father. We put ourselves at the bottom of everyone’s feet without even knowing it.

We were once strong and we can be again. We have the power to break free and live our lives as we chose. We deserve to be loved and respected.

Our abusers will never allow us to be the strong woman we can be. It benefits them for us to doubt whether we can survive without them. They had a good servant. They had someone they could oppressively control. They could be the king of the castle. Without victims they will just be men with low self worth. Therefore they will never walk away unless they find a replacement for us.

I used to hope he would move on and leave me in peace. That was never going to happen. Alhamdulillah I am no longer his victim. The hardest part now is releasing the invisible chains that still bind me to his rules. I lived by his rules for so long I find it hard to identify my own rules.

I’m decorating the house firstly because I was never allowed to and secondly to physically to completely transform my former prison. Now I have also started swimming and have made friends with some of the the women.

Group on Facebook

Alhamdulillah my beautiful sister’s, I am transforming from the captivity of negativity. I am a survivor. I want other sister’s to also have support that was lacking in the community when I gained my freedom .

I created this group to end the silence around Domestic violence. To remove the power of silence. To remove the shame on the victim and place it where it belongs on the perpetrator.

As women working together supporting each other we can break the cycle of domestic violence. Silence hides violence. We need to remember this my beautiful sister’s.We can do this together inshallah 💖💖💖

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1937645443140943/

Over compensating for a abusive parent.

All through my children’s childhood I felt extremely guilty because I was to scared to leave our abuser. I served them and showered them with love. I covered anything they did and hid mistakes to protect them. I tried so hard to make things easier for them that they saw themselves as superior to me. They have spent so long punishing me for his behaviour and my guilt has allowed them to do it.

My beautiful children have no respect or value for me that my wants or needs are last on there list.

Most hurtful of all is my daughter’s tone when she speaks to me. She has contempt for me it breaks my heart. Because of my childhood I just keep going no matter how I feel.

My wheel of power and control

my control wheel

To recover from domestic violence and abuse, we need to identify how we were abused in the first place. Abusers use a range of tactics to gain control over there victim. My abuser kept me as his victim with threats to kill me in the beginning, then me and my family, followed by me and the children. I believed these threats as his uncle killed his wife and he seemed like he had no control. When I look at my wheel of power I can immediately identify which abuse was the worst for me.

I already had issues with intimacy due to the fact that I was sexually abused by my paedophile father and his friends as a child. For me having to participate sexually when I no longer liked him let alone loved him was clearly rape. I survived sustained humiliating abuse, wobbling any wobbly bits I had, leering over me, enjoying my uncomfortable responses, I begged him to allow me to cover my self at least a bit . He caused me internal pain and as the years went on he gained a sick pleasure  extending the length of time and the frequency.  I was sexually abuse by him over the 22 years of my marriage as I was never free to say no. Therefore the sexual abuse was the most damaging for me, I have fibromyalgia and PTSD now.

I also believe it was the key to enable all the other abuse to escalate, if you feel no power to say no to being at your most vulnerable, to have someone you despise touch you in the most private of places. When you have to just cope through that, then all the other abuses are easy for him to reach as your boundaries have been eroded. I was already used to witness childhood violence and having  also been sexually abused as a child I just went into a survival mode.

The physical abuse was extremely frightening for me to cope with, it was far worse that my childhood violence. I was Muslim before I married him and innocently believed that having a Muslim husband this couldn’t happen. He prayed every prayer so how could he behave in such a way. On multiple occasions he would be abusive swearing and then go and pray and return to the same behaviour . I could understand it.

The mental impact of living in a state of fear and walking on eggshells, took its toll on my body and I started to have panic attacks. I believed he was unstable and would kill me as he regularly ran around the home with knifes. It was sheer terror living with him. Mentally I thought I was strong, I would say he cant break me, but along that journey of 22 years he did break me. I became sick and then seeing me weaker he stepped up his abuse tenfold.

Emotionally I became weaker and distrusting of a life after abuse, how would I ever escape with the children alive. I gave up hope and just survived trying to compensate the children for having chosen such a evil father.

Spiritually I became weaker in my belief as I had reached out to the community and having spoken up about what was happening the situation escalated. They did speak to him, that made him more angry and the abuse worse. I was not offered any practical help and felt shamed in silence.

Now I have broken free from the abuse I am living a happier spiritual life. He was a abuser, he tried to use Islam to abuse me. He was following his families behaviour and still denies that he did anything wrong. I never lost my faith, it was weaker, but never disappeared. We must all learn from our experiences, to learn we must talk about them. We need to break the silence on domestic violence. We need to break the cycle to achieve that we need to stop owning the shame of domestic violence. Silence hides the violence and enables the abuse to continue unchecked.

 

Claiming my respect, because now I can.

To understand how to regain respect in ones home, you have to reflect on when respect was lost. This is a painful process of realization that you have been treated without respect for all of the abuse period. My three adult children have grown up with a mother who seemed so strong, very rarely cried no matter how she was treated and even gained a 1st Class Honours degree Alhamdulillah .

Yet was the weakest in terms of respect in my own home. Outside of the home, I was a governor of my child’s primary school, people respected me Alhamdulillah , yet in my home I was sworn at threatened and abused regularly and hit.

I always believed that my children respected me. However in my time being free from abuse I am struggling to manage them. I have realised that they all see me as someone who can be told how to feel, think, behave, what I should want and they all want me to deal with their siblings issues but not their issues. They express that they want me not to tire myself with any hobbies like decorating or gardening. I should just maintain the home as it is and meet all there individual wants. My money should be spent on what that child needs as opposed to my little trivial wants.

I asked myself how could I have raised such selfish children who only care for themselves, how could that have happened? I spent all there lives protecting them from him and compensating for them having such a oppressive aggressive parent I put myself in the firing line to save them that when they grew up hearing him swearing and hitting out they hid in there rooms to stay safe. I never wanted them to help me as I feared he would turn on them if they did but now I realise they grew up seeing me standing up through everything, they believe I should allow their behaviour as I love them and I never loved him. They also perceive me strong enough to take all they throw at me.

It was a painful realisation that in all those 22 years I was nothing within my home. He swore at me hit, spat at, kicked and pushed me, he made me serve him. I could never refuse him or express my feelings. I became so sick with fibromyalgia and PTSD. I became numb to his cruel treatment I just excepted that was how life was and I couldn’t escape due to the very real danger he posed. I never realised that he was leaving me with a legacy of children who I couldn’t cope with. I couldn’t understand why I could not re-establish rules in my home. now I realise that I never had rules, I never had respect, I just survived and over compensated for his behaviour.

Now I have realised the key issue being lack of respect, painful as it is, I have to except that I really was walked on by everyone in my home and I need to step up and install respect for me.

I am doing this in small incremental steps Alhamdulillah, like refusing to clean the bath for my 16year old daughter. I need to stop being a servant and ask them who are all old enough to do things for me. I now have to take small steps to build respect and value for me as a mother who does cry and feel pain.

I know they do love me Alhamdulillah, but sadly, due to the way they seen me treated there is no respect for me. They are good children mashallah and I’m sure that they have it in them to value me Alhamdulillah .

However they have learnt that mummy loves and serves them regardless of how they behave so I need to change that. I need to demand respect and not be afraid of hurting their feelings.

Alhamdulillah, the abuser is gone, I need to stop allowing them to punish me for his behaviour and use his behaviour to justify them treating me badly. I need to show them they can’t behave rudely with me anymore. Sadly the longer they can behave with no respect they will. They do it because they can. I need to claim my respect because I now can Alhamdulillah.

He has finally moved on. Why can he still upset me?

It’s confusingly painful that you can not in your wildest dreams want to ever be with your abuser yet be sad that he has finally found someone to marry him. He gets a happy ever after and I am left with the destruction he has caused to all of us.

My grief is for the love and happiness never given. He told me she has the same name as me is the same age as me but successful and healthier. Alhamdulillah she doesn’t live with fibromyalgia and PTSD and is not terrified at the thought of marriage again because she has not felt fear. She drives and is a teacher all my dreams he denied me. Her children were raised in a happy home with no violence so are happy high achieving young people.

My sadness is she is who I could have been without being abused by him. I’m not jealous of her, I wish them both happiness. I want him to actually love her and treat her with kindness. I make dua that he won’t damaged more innocent people.

However it hurts so much that he oppressively controlled me so when I gained my degree he never allowed me to work or learn to drive as he didn’t agree with female drivers. Yet he sat there boasting about her genius children and her highly paid teaching job. Her lovely car.

It’s very raw right now, I can’t believe his insensitivity and boastful jibes. My children are still standing Alhamdulillah, he oppressively bullied them and me. They were raised witnessing violence and sometimes receiving it. So yes our boys are not successful geniuses they are not at university or have good jobs. Our daughter Alhamdulillah achieved very excellent GCSEs in spite of her childhood.

Our children have survived him Alhamdulillah and are still Muslim mashallah. How he can still cause hurt me when he moves on astounded me.

I always thought he would move on with someone young and pretty and that would hurt. Yet to go on to marry the successful Muslim women you would have been if he didn’t abuse is actually cruel.

Inshallah, I will recover from the 22 years of violence and oppression and be the accomplished Muslim women I can be without him to hold me back. I am determined to be successful as at forty seven, its not to late. I have to remember that he would never give up on us without finding someone else to marry. He will now happily go on and leave us in peace. She lives far away from us at least a few hours by train so he will have to move far away inshallah.

A new healthy me 😀

I have decided to try to become fitter and healthier inshallah. Last week I started swimming at my local pool. I am the world’s worst. procrastinator especially when it comes to exercise.

I have a successfully kept going swimming for the second week in a row Alhamdulillah. There is such a lovely group of women and sister’s who are there. I have made a couple of lovely friends. We are all trying to make positive changes in our lives. Most of the women suffer from fibromyalgia also.

To my surprise on the days I swim, I have more energy than I usually have. I usually enjoy gardening. Making a visible difference is so rewarding mashallah.

It’s beautiful to make my own choices. Freedom is empowering. To choose to go swimming may seem simple to people yet it was not a choice I could have made before freedom Alhamdulillah.