Islam gave me rights, sadly I wasn’t free to exercise them.

Islam gives women so many rights Alhamdulillah. Sadly many times a strong beautiful vibrant women marries and becomes a shell of her former self. If they have married a husband who ignores the rights of his wife then it makes no difference how many rights she has as she will not get to exercise them.

I chose to embrace Islam of my own free will. I sadly married cultural men on both occasions who did not want to behave as good Muslim husbands and allow me to exercise my rights.

Islam is a beautiful religion, sadly cultural Muslim men who want their wife’s to give them all the rights laid down and themselves refuse to give their wife’s any of their Islamic rights are ignorant.

Sometimes the he tears fill up inside me my throat hurts, chest tightens and I can’t stop crying. Why have I had this life. Why was I not born into a kind loving home? Why was I never loved? Why was I born into poverty and abused? Why when I embraced Islam did I have two husband who used and abused me?

I was abused in every way possible as a child. My mum was mentality ill and unable to be loving or protect me and my siblings from my evil paedophile father.

I then married my first husband who only married me to have a passport and economic benefits. He wanted to use me for time. I was unaware of his intentions. I divorced him as he didn’t want me to be Muslim. He wanted to use me for time and in the community he would have been looked down upon if I was Muslim. He felt it would be ok to use a non Muslim. Clearly it is not ok to use anyone.

How was I unlucky enough to have my horrendous childhood then to marry a user? Why me, why then was I to go on to be abused by the next husband.

I went on to marry another abuser this time I had no doubt that I was being abused. Why me I asked. Now after 22 years it is clear that the childhood I had made me have very low expectations of a partner. The violence and sexual abuse in childhood left me not loving myself so I didn’t expect real love from anyone else. I also had never felt love from my parents leaving me exposed and vulnerable.

When the second husband was violent so early in the relationship I out of shame stayed and out of fear continue to stay. I was to familiar with fear as I knew fear well. I even felt strong as I thought I was handling the fear. I wasn’t letting him get to me.

Little did I know that the fear was already controlling me. I was not in control of the violence. Just because I told myself I wasn’t afraid didn’t mean I wasn’t.

My childhood prepared me for the abuse that I endured. I am not saying that I am not strong as clearly I survived so much so I must be strong. However telling myself that he couldn’t get to me just lead me to endure much more than I could bear.

Islam did not abuse me my husband did that. Islam did not oppress me my husband did that. Muslim women who blame other women for not knowing their Islamic rights for abuse suffered need to think about victim blaming. If the husband would respect a woman’s rights in Islam he wouldn’t need to be told what they were by his wife. If a man wants to abuse knowing your rights wouldn’t stop him.

I informed my husband of my rights on many occasions and even bought him books as he refused to provide even the money to pay for his living costs let alone me or our children. He would become violent and aggressive and even use weapons to intimidate me.

Even when you are free from the abuser the damage years of abuse leaves it’s scars. Memories of violence.

Alhamdulillah I am decorating my home making it look different from the prison it became. Moving forward step by step. May Allah protect us all.

Ameen

NEXTDOOR helped me to make my house my own

I have been using a app called nextdoor and have been able to transform my home. The app is wonderful people give away items for free. I have been able to get a beautiful sofa and draws and have also bought items at a much lower cost.

I have upcycled furniture from the app and eBay. My home is a bit like a building site but it’s transforming before my eyes.

It’s nearly a year since I stopped being a victim and have taken back control from the monster.

My home is not resembling the torture chamber that he made it for us. Our home is happy and Free.

Raising Teenagers after Violence

When I finally freed myself from his control I was left with children who perceived me as weak. They grew up with me being frozen by the abuse unable to comand respect in my home.

My heart breaks when my beautiful princess speaks to me with such disrespect. When she looks at me with cold eyes.

My children love me I don’t doubt that yet they see me as someone who will serve them regardless of how little they do to help me or themselves.

I have lived in a state of putting everyone’s wants above my own. I feel so guilty for not being brave enough to face the fear of what he would do if I stood up to him.

But that guilt should not be mine. I never chose to be abused. I never asked to be treated like a servant in my own home. I didn’t ask to live in a frozen state.

I have decided that my children are no longer going to be waited on by me no matter how tired I might be.

I will treat them with love and kindness but no longer will allow myself to be disrespected by them. I need to stop living in this frozen state and allow myself to feel emotion.

I need to start to love myself and demand respect from my beautiful children that I love so much.

Why would he make a choice to abuse?

My perpetrator clearly made a choice to behave the way he did. I often feeling at breaking point asked myself why me? When I was his victim I thought it had something to do with me. Having researched why perpetrators abuse is easy for me to understand. He chose to abuse us all because he benefitted in numerous ways.

  • He gained enormous satisfaction from the power and control he had over me and our children.
  • He always got his own way, I was never consulted just told my mum is coming or his family are to visit and I would have to pay for them.
  • He had someone to take out any frustrations he had on, if he had a bad day he took it out on all of us.
  • He had a personal slave, I would have to do everything without help and support. I would have to serve him like he was the king of the castle.
  • He was the priority, our needs or wants never mattered.
  • He did not have to share any of his money  with us so benefitted economically. My family had to intervene support us economically.
  • He had the religious community’s respect for being a good father and husband, sadly he was far from that.
  • He was respected by his family as they were happy that he had the upper hand and controlled his family with violence. They did not want him to act like a good Muslim husband. They wanted him to practice the ignorance, culture and tradition he had been raised with, which is against the teachings of Islam.
  • He denied, minimised and blamed others to himself and me about the reality of his behaviour. I had to listen to him in silence as speaking up and calling him out on his lied was to dangerous.
  • He did it because he could. I did not allow him to. Nevertheless he did it because he could.
  • He continued to abuse me for 22 years because he wanted to. It hurts me to understand that someone married me with the sole purpose to use and abuse me. He had three children and did not change his intention. He enjoyed dominating and oppressing us. No matter how sick I became he just dominated me and the children more. He did it because he could. He did it to me and our children because I was too afraid of him killing me to stop him. I only finally got help as I believed he would kill us in our home anyway. The danger of staying was just as scary as the threats to kill us if I imprisoned him.

Therefore he did not wish to change his behaviour because it benefitted him in this world. He was not acting as a believing Muslim. Every  Muslim should think for the hereafter, yet as he acted as if Allah (SWT) was not aware of his behaviour.

These Ahadiths and Quranic verses are about reward which the oppressed will get and the punishment which oppressors will get.

Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas (R.A):
The Prophet (pbuh) sent Mu’adh to Yemen and said, “Be afraid, from the curse of the oppressed as there is no screen between his invocation and Allah.” Volume 3, Book 43, Number 628: Sahih Bukhari.

Narrated Abu Huraira (R.A):
Allah’s Apostle (pbuh) said, “Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him.”Volume 3, Book 43, Number 629: Sahih Bukhari.

We will reserve the houses of the hereafter exclusively for those who do not seek self-glory in this life and do not cause oppression and corruption to spread. The final outcome belongs to those who fear (Allah). [028:083: Al Quran]

Myths of my abuser. Maybe yours also made you believe he had the same issues.

My abuser used myths very effectively to conceal his true nature to portray himself as a victim of circumstance rather than someone who purposely and deliberately chose to abuse.

  • He was brilliant at making me believe he had no control of his temper as he would even run wild around our home terrifying everyone.
  • He would say he had a aggressively violent nature. However his friends saw a nice reasonable, quite, almost shy man.
  • He would demonstrate trust and intimacy issues, this was just another mask.
  • He would blame his rage and name calling as communication issues,  however he seemed fine with communicating in English swear words.
  • He was definitely good at saying he had a difficult childhood, although so did I and I have never abused anyone.
  • He believed that he was a good father, yet sadly he abused me in front of them.
  • He would say that jealousy was a good thing, as it was because he loved me. It was not jealousy it was control and domination.
  • He believed he was a good husband and he loved me. He treated me without any empathy even though I lived on medication, therefore his claim that he loved me is unbelievable.