It takes time to recover from abuse and it’s a personal journey as being abused for twenty two years. Those years took there toll on me psychological and emotional. I shouldn’t expect to recover quickly.
Upon reflection of my own behaviour I have to explain and apologise to people who I upset when I was so unhappily married.
Being violently treated and emotionally abused so badly everyday made me seek emotionally and psychological validation outside my marriage. That is why I studied so hard the whole way through until I finally achieved my Masters of Education Alhamdulillah . It made me feel as if my home life wasn’t happening .
I would tell my sister I was playing happy families. When I finished studying I became sick as I had nothing left to focus on or distract me from reality .
He didn’t allow me to work. I spiralled into a depression. My fibromyalgia flared up. While I was at university I felt intelligent and valued. My degree was a first class honours Alhamdulillah . I was Heather than I ever was mashallah .
During these years I had a strong outside personally even becoming a foundation governor of my daughter’s primary school Alhamdulillah . However I never had any close friends come to my home as I was not allowed. I was crying inside.
I would be friendly with people but keep a distance not allowing others to get too close. It was easier to keep people distanced rather than explain what I was living with. I was not a nasty person however if you crossed me then I would deal with you without a thought. I actually enjoyed taking them down. It was like I had power over something.
Now that I am free I don’t have anything to prove to anyone and am a better more tolerant person Alhamdulillah. I don’t need validation from others and feel good mashallah, no one is eroding my self esteem.
Living with abuse can affect your character and make you someone you are not. Alhamdulillah I can reflect and have apologised for any intolerance that I may have shown to people. May Allah forgive me for any hurt I may have caused.